And here, before we’ve even gotten warmed up on the topic, I can hear the protests from the Verizon execs.   “We pride ourselves on our customer service, yada, yada, yada . . .”   That is almost part of it you see.   That Verizon has maybe the highest trained customer service force is undeniable.   And they are very good at mouthing the words “I’m sorry you’re having problems . . “   Credit that, as it is a bit of a watershed.   Learned from expensive market research and inserted through costly training, no doubt after examining the fact that they have some unhappy customers.

But the net of this is, consumers know when the treatment is surface level.   If it does not run through the experience, you won’t make us feel better for long.

One of my favorite parts of the high training Verizon reps are required to go through when you call to discuss your local service, is the mandatory question, “Is it alright if I access your account records to help you?”   As if you’d be any dang good to us if you don’t.   After waiting five minutes or more on hold, can we just get to it and do without the script?

How then, is Verizon failing so badly?   Let’s start with the residential service bill.   I in recent years had two lines and DSL service at home.   It got me an eight-page bill, fully undecipherable.    On this $125 bill there were 77 lines that have a dollar amount on it, even if sometimes it was a zero, and that didn't include any itemized calls.   That is just what I showed just for my two lines and a DSL connection.   There are fees indescribable to anyone.   I paid a Federal Subscriber Line Charge and a Federal Universal Service Fund Surcharge and a Federal Universal Service Fund Surcharge Long Distance.   Which is totally different from my Federal Tax, my Telecommunications Access Fee, my 911 Fee, and my State Gross Receipts Tax Surcharge.

I understand you may want to try and communicate that some of this cost is due to various taxes.   But some of them aren’t, and it comes across as purposefully complex with no intent other than adding consternation.   There are ten lines devoted to, effectively, a lecture on how paying our bill can help us avoid a bad credit report.   Okay, Mom.

Imagine this.   Consolidate this down to the maximum allowable by law (sure, some may be mandated).   Bet we could keep the lawyers and accountants happy and be no more than four pages.   Make it plain English.   Perhaps you need to insert a booklet or summary with further breakdown for the interested parties once a year.   Or break all the rules and have the first lines be, “Gosh, we sure are sorry these things have to be so complicated, please know you can call us and get an explanation in detail anytime you like”.

Has overall customer service for the phone company slipped since the breakup?   Dumb question, huh?   It is no longer two or three rings, but ten, then listen to tired voice prompts in an effort to avoid actually talking to me, then a minute to five on hold.   And don’t you love the system that asks for you to key in your phone number, great if that helps productivity, but then they still ask you again when they answer?

Let me enter some personal experience stories into evidence.   A few years ago, it took over ten extended calls and six months to get a noise on the line problem outside the house resolved.   Then, later, it required 5 technicians and four months to finally figure out why the new DSL service was sporadic.   Once, I ordered a service change, and it finally was to happen five days later on a Friday before the Holiday weekend.   I was promised it would be done before the holiday.   It wasn’t.   Pulled my phone book and looked up the numbers on Saturday.   There is now exactly one number you can call the phone company at on weekends.   It was disconnected.   No kidding.

No, this is not a personal vendetta.   I hate Verizon much like I hate many other companies and my experiences are not unusual, I’ve checked around.   It just ain’t anything like Ma Bell.   And again, for a lot of these comments it could be the cable company, the insurance company, the car company, the internet service provider, the electric company, the credit card company, or so many others.

But on to our favorite, the wireless side of Verizon. The Can You Hear Me Now folks.   So get inside any wireless business and they’ll tell you that one of their key problems is increasing customer retention.   I’ve ranted before that we switch, not because we are finicky as the marketers would accuse us, but we vote with our feet when we can.   Even when it inconveniences us to do it occasionally.   We do it because we can and we feel you don’t deserve the continued business.   What about “No, thanks” don’t you get?

Verizon, like most others, works hard at keeping us.   At least in their way.   They’ll call you, after your term commitment, the one or two year lock-in that you get when you sign-up, has expired.   They offer, “Oh, for being a good customer we’d like to offer you a plan at the same cost that has unlimited free weekend minutes, can I sign you up for that?”   Too many, say “Shore!”   Then they quickly insert something like, “Okay then I’ll just enter that in here and you’re all set, you enjoy all the calls you want now from 7pm Friday until 6am Monday totally for free.   That will renew your two year contract of course.   Okay then you have a great day!”   You probably heard it and heard how quickly they were ready to get off the phone.   Maybe you stopped them before they did and clarified that or maybe like so many they got it past you, but if not then, someday, you likely figure out what happened to you.  

With a few minutes that you’ll never use anyway, they got you for two more years.   Did you know instead you could have walked in and gotten a new phone for free, with either them or another provider, for making that commitment again?   The ones who walk later do.   Go ahead, screw me.   That action helps define the lack of any loyalty, in this and many other businesses today.

Imagine this.   Imagine the existence of a one year contract term that wasn’t hidden in fine print so that most folks don’t even know it exists, albeit at additional $50 or so when buying the phone.   Maybe even offer a month-to-month plan with a phone purchase at full cost.   And that they called you when the term was up and offered you new plan options, all of them, without a new term.   Could they say, “Hey, you made your commitment, we recovered our phone subsidy, and know we want to keep you with no tricks, just good service?”

Imagine just overhauling the plans so there are not 20-plus to choose from with ten options.   Now there has been movement in plans in recent years.   The last several years has seen a steady drop in the general cost per minute at the various plan levels, sure.   But the inherent structure hasn’t changed.   Meaning the gotcha’s are still there, like if you should go over your minutes by 10% and now find your bill has doubled.   Oh, that’s fair.   That makes us love you.

So, new plans come regularly as this business competition continues to evolve, but consumers must stay carefully aware of the fine print that would require an army of legal assistance to fully evaluate.

But back to Verizon and the thought.   Imagine a plan that elimates all the gotcha's.  Imagine winning customers and keeping them.

I know, I know, Mr. Seidenberg (Verizon’s Chairman and CEO), it puts the business at risk.   Any number of customers could walk at any time.   Which is why, Mr. Seidenberg, they won’t.   Not at least if you turn over that new leaf.   Maybe you have such baggage with enough consumers that no one will ever feel good about you again.   But put a marketing budget on convincing us that you’re the good guy, you mean it, and you back it up.   Throughout the business.   And maybe, just maybe, you become the new standard for doing business.

Until then, enjoy the limelight and the Award.

Previous Page, The envelope Please . . .

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